The Energy Suck

I don't know if it's the stress of the last three weeks, the unfortunate truth that I'm no longer a spring chicken, or the fact that this baby seems way bigger than his sisters, but I am exhausted.

It used to be that naps were a guilty pleasure of mine. I loved to curl up for a nice 3 hour nap when I had the free time. But when I was busy, I would stay up and get stuff done during Amelia's nap. Now the naps are no longer a luxury, they're a physical necessity. It seems like forever since I've had a good night's sleep and I wake up dragging every morning. Amelia hasn't been sleeping well, Dan has needed help with meds and such (up until last week, anyway) and I swear I have to pee 5 or 6 times a night. I guess it's good practice for when Mystery Boy gets here, but I'd much rather just get some sleep while I still have the chance.

My body isn't handling the stress of pregnancy with as much spunk as it used to. I had it pretty easy when I was pregnant with Amelia because Lily was 4 years old and could fend for herself in a lot of ways. She was also old enough to understand when I couldn't carry her around and why she wasn't allowed to jump all over Mama's belly. I've been having more cramping and overall fatigue this time, surely due to lugging around a two-year-old and doing more physical work than I might otherwise do if Dan weren't injured.

I had a little breakdown today at naptime. Amelia has a nasty cold and was up most of the night last night. So when naptime came around today I was in desperate need to crash. Amelia fussed in her bed, so I took her into my bed, which usually soothes her right to sleep. But she was antsy and kept getting up. She wouldn't lay down, but she was rubbing her eyes and crying and looking pitiful. I tried to just ignore her, thinking she'd eventually fall asleep. But she didn't. She started writhing around on the bed, whacking me in the belly multiple times and I finally yelled, "Amelia, stop it!" and started bawling. Dan, who I didn't even know was in the house, came running in to see what was wrong. I said, "I'm just so tired." So Dan took Amelia away so I could sleep. He ended up driving her around for an hour and a half. He can walk around without his knee immobilizer now, but it's very difficult for him to carry anything while walking. Though I was relieved that he was taking Amelia, I felt guilty that he was struggling to carry Amelia with his hurt leg, and I felt so lame for not being strong enough to handle her by myself. I bawled a little more and finally drifted off to sleep. Freakin' pregnancy hormones, they have been doing overtime on me lately.

After we moved to Cokeville, I was feeling pretty happy here and feeling like maybe it would be possible for us to have a 4th child in the future. Life is easier to manage here, I was feeling refreshed, and I thought we could give another kid a really good life. But then I look at myself, tired and emotionally spent on a daily basis, and I think, "maybe I owe it to the kids I already have to just stop now and try to be the best I can for them." I have really been neglecting Lily lately. She's in school until 3:00, usually plays with Kamille or someone else after school, and by the time dinner rolls around I'm just done for the day. I need to be investing more time and energy in my children instead of selfishly fantasizing about going away and being by myself. All those years while I worked, I dreamed of being the fun stay-at-home mom that did crafts and went for walks and taught my kids stuff. But I just don't seem to have the energy for it. I was talking to my sister Becky today and she reminded me that pregnancy is a total energy suck because your body is working overtime, growing another human, and that things will be better once the baby is born. I'll be sleep deprived, but at least I'll get some of my physical energy back.

The good news is that Mystery Boy is healthy and active. I went for my OB appointment this week and had an ultrasound. He weighs 1 1/2 pounds and looks really healthy. I was totally bummed, though, because we requested a DVD recording of the ultrasound but when we got home it was blank. He was doing really cute stuff like hiccuping and sticking his tongue in and out. And confirming that he is still definitely a boy.

Have you ever seen the movie Two Weeks Notice with Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant? When Dan and I were driving back from our doctors appointments on Monday, we hit Highway 30, just 20 miles or so from Cokeville, and I found myself wishing for an RV to drive by. Remember that scene in the movie when Lucy and George leave the tennis club and Lucy is suddenly attacked by the two chili dogs she ate? That was totally me. Sitting in the car, fidgeting, taking deep breaths, rolling down the window to ease the hot flashes, fanning my face, leaning sideways in the seat, moaning... If only an RV would appear and I could go duke it out with John. But alas, there is nowhere to stop between Randolph and Cokeville. I was so desperate by the time we hit town that I seriously considered stopping at the Flying J instead of driving the 6 or 8 blocks to our house.

See, a little potty humor always cheers me up.

24 weeks and counting