Ramblings

Thought I'd try to write today.

It has been a rough 6 months for me. My depression has been the worst it's ever been and I've had to start taking a mood stabilizer in addition to my anti-depressant. I've been diagnosed with a mood cycling disorder. Not bipolar because I never get manic, but my depression cycles lower and lower each time and never recovers. The meds have stabilized since August and I am no longer feeling suicidal and angry and despondent.

I am grateful not to be in the deep hole of despair that I lived in for several months, at least now I can get out of bed and do housework and help the kids with homework and actually play with Mack instead of letting him watch movies all day. I have even been able to work a little on my photos. But I often feel like I have turned into this subdued or even stoic person that does not feel very much. I notice things, like this morning when Mack woke up and I walked downstairs with him, his little hand was warm in mine, but I wasn't overcome with love and gratitude like I used to be.

I'm trying to do normal things, but I don't feel normal. We have been doing a lot as a family lately because Dan is waiting on a rig here in Cokeville to finish the permitting process so they can start drilling. I like doing all these things and I try to take lots of pictures, but I don't find the deep sense of contentment and gratitude that I think I should. I've always gotten a lot of satisfaction from taking, editing, and sharing my photos, but it just seems like too much effort to make my photos beautiful.

I am rambling, but I wanted to make some sort of effort to write and post photos. I was talking to Dan a couple days ago and saying that I just can't get motivated to record our family's story. I just keep thinking, "Does it really matter?" I mean, I don't know much about my great-grandmother. I don't have a journal from an ancestor telling how they dealt with their challenges. Dan's grandmother died almost 10 years ago and all her stories and history that wasn't recorded is gone. Does it make a difference in my daily life? In 100 years, will any of this matter? Yes, people like the founders of the Constitution or early protestants in the Christian church, those people's lives made a difference in society. But there's nothing really noteworthy about my life. Dan's response was, "you never know what our children will do. Maybe they'll do something great in their lives and people will want to know how they were raised." Dan also pointed out that in this day of digital technology, it is now actually feasible that we can pass our history (photos, journals, blogs, etc.) on to our children, grandchildren, and beyond because it can all be stored on one small external hard drive. My friend Karla, in response to my "what's the point" train of thought, said that if recording memories makes me happy, then it's worth it. And I guess in light of my struggle with depression, I need to just do anything that gives me purpose or pleasure or a sense of accomplishment.

One thing I have learned about myself in therapy is that I have an "all or nothing" personality. If I can't do it right or complete or all the way, I don't want to do it. But I am trying to learn that something is better than nothing. So as much as it bothers me to post pictures that haven't been beautified in Photoshop or not accompanying my photos with a complete narrative, I am going to try to post some pictures that make me happy or remind me of fun things we have done.