Friday, May 22, 2009

Mom's Job Description

I'm tired.

I love my kiddos, but I am just exhausted. I've been feeling overworked, underaccomplished, and while I know I'm putting forth a lot of effort, there's very little to show for it at the end of each day. I always feel better when I look at pictures of my kids, so even though the kitchen needs a major crisis cleaning before my mom comes tomorrow, I'm going to stop and blog for a minute.

Paddy, my mother-in-law, sent this to me on Mother's Day and I thought it summed up my life pretty accurately.

MOM - JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION :
  • Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION:
  • Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
  • Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
  • Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
  • Travel expenses not reimbursed.
  • Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
  • The rest of your life.
  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.00.
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  • Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
  • Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
  • Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
  • Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  • Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
  • Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
  • Virtually none.
  • Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

  • None required unfortunately.
  • On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
  • Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
  • A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
  • When you die, you give them whatever is left.
  • The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
  • While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Mother's Day 2009

4 comments:

Stacey Gerlach Moe said...

That is just so accurate, Susan. And very nice photo of you and the kiddos!!!

Katy-did said...

So true, so true.... love it just love it!!!

Apis Melliflora said...

I know resumes are not supposed to exceed one page, but a mother's resume could fill an entire book.

Brian & Rebecca Nate said...

This has to be the truest job description I've ever heard! Love it! Picture is adorable. Cute little one's. I see them almost every day, but they just keep getting bigger!