Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Feeling Sentimental

One of my favorite times of day lately is when I nurse Mack before his morning nap. I love closing the bedroom door and having some quiet time with my baby. I love sitting on my freshly made bed, light coming in through the window, and holding my sweet, warm boy in my arms. The end of his babyhood is rapidly approaching and I'm finding myself in a constant state of sentimentality and mild panic at the thought that this part of his life, and this tender time for us together, will soon come to a close.

Maybe that's why I nursed Amelia for so long. If I was nursing her, she was still my little baby and I could still hold her close to me and give her something no one else could. I'm definitely one of those women who really loves babies. Even with the sleep deprivation, I find so much satisfaction in feeling that little body next to mine. I love to feel Mack tug on my shirt or stroke my skin while he eats. I love to watch his beautiful face while he sleeps. I love to listen to him sigh and coo (although those days are mostly over.) I love the feeling of his limp body curling over my shoulder or resting in the crook of my elbow.

I've been indulging in some naps with Mack the past week or so. Instead of putting him in his crib or laying him beside me on the bed so I can sleep myself, I've layed him on my chest, tummy to tummy, and basked in the quiet feeling of his chest rising and falling against mine. As I listen to his breathing and feel his heart beat against mine, I am reminded that we once were one and I want to hold him forever.

I'm certain there is one more baby in our family, but even as I think of that, I get sad because I still want Mack to be the baby. I don't want his time to be over. And then I think about what this will be like when Baby #4 is about to become a toddler. I can't keep having babies just because I like babies. I have to continue being a good and attentive mother to my big kids, too. I've been in a pretty good place emotionally for the past couple of months, not too stressed out and coping with being a stay-at-home mom pretty well, but I've had times in the past and I'm sure I will continue to have times in the future where my depression gets the upper hand and I'll feel completely overwhelmed and wonder why in the world I had so many kids. But trying to imagine the feeling of knowing that I will never have another baby fills me with great anxiety and sadness.

It sounds like I'm baby hungry, but that's not it. I'm just hungry for my Mack to stay a baby awhile longer. And I'm hungry not to have this part of my life be over. How does a woman cope with saying goodbye to her childbearing self?

9 comments:

Pilch Construction said...

That is a beautiful picture of Mack and I can't believe how big he's gotten! I swear we just came over to your mom's house to visit you when you had him. As for me, I'm in trouble already. My baby is only five days old and I'm already starting to have panic attacks that he's growing too fast and I'm trying to soak in every second of this wonderful newborn stage where I get to nurse and snuggle him all day. I' m still recovering from labor and I'm already ready to have ten more kids. So I'm not much help other than to say treasure every second, even the hard ones because time goes by too fast and be thankful that we get to be so lucky to be able to stay home and create these beautiful memories with our kids! See you soon, I'm so excited to have you take his pictures!

The Dragonfly said...

Such an emotional and beautiful post. Obviously one that resonnates in a deep way with me. (although FOR SURE we are so done having babies.)

Becky in Wyo said...

You write 50 times better than I do. I hate you.

I'll get over that some day. Maybe.

Man, I totally here you. Here I am, growing kid #5, and I'm like, "How can this be the last one?" How can this part of my life be over? No more babies, ever?! I don't want to be this old! But again, you have to consider your existing children, and what you can handle and still be a good mom to the ones you have. I guess I keep waiting for a big official announcement from the universe telling me that yes, this is truly the last one. There are no more spirits waiting to come to you. I guess that's what gets me, despite still being in the stage where I'm cleaning squished banana out of the carpet, yet driving teenagers to all their activities. I don't want to regret the child I didn't have who really wanted to be with us. But Zen and I have limited resources, but then again, Heavenly Father can make a way. Hhmmm, maybe when this one is born, I'll finally know.

Lois Ann said...

When we were living in Heidelburg, I remember a sister coming up to me afer a testimony time and thanking me for saying something about how the"baby time" in my life was gradually getting behind me and that they were growing into bigger kids. I think she was, in a way, asking permission to stop stressing about not having more kids. I would not have to change another runny, dirty diaper (at least for my own kids - just wait til the "grandma" time of your life shows up!). Times and seasons.... It is also a great feeling when one of your kids comes up to you spontaneously and asks for a hug that lingers. You will always be their mother and their first source of love and affection. Each day is a new adventure with your kids, whatever their age, so relax and savor every day.

Katy-did said...

Amen to what all of the other mom's have said... I think about Avy and how much she has grown, I mean, HELLO, she is going to Kindergarden next year... Then I get to hang out with Sedona and get to hug and Kiss Baby Bennett, I think that I am baby hungry too, guess that I better find me a good man first eh?

Lois Ann said...

Katy, at least look for a better one... look to Dr. Laura for ideas about how to choose... LOL

Apis Melliflora said...

Nursing is wonderful when it works. I'm so glad that I was able to nurse. Snuggly nursing babies are the best. I do miss that. But there are wonderful things in store. Mack will continue to grow and bless you with his love and little personality in ways you haven't yet imagined.

You've preserved the moment by writing so lovingly about it!

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

I've always loved the baby stage, but I love the older kid stage too. When you can sit and have a conversation with your child and know that what you went through when they were young is paying off. Kamille is only 7 but I see good traits in her that I would like to think I instilled. Your a good mom, Sue, baby or older kids, pat yourself on the back.

The Martinez Fam said...

You expressed perfectly a lot of the things that have been running through my mind the last month. Kyson is growing too fast!! And will I always want to keep having babies to fill that void? Will I ever feel like our family is complete? Great post!