I finally reached a point where I realized that none of that was bringing me satisfaction and none of it was calming my troubled mind. It was just a way to pass the time and I was becoming increasingly agitated and frustrated as I did those things. So I tried something different. And it is working.
I have been reading my scriptures on my smart phone. Several months ago when I was teaching Sunday School to 16 & 17 year olds, most of them brought their phones to class instead of actual scriptures. I thought it was weird. I mean, who wants a cold impersonal phone when you can hold a real book in your hand that has worn pages and notes and that special smell. But one night about a month ago I was laying in bed and I didn't want to go down to the living room to get my scriptures. I was thinking a lot about trials and wanted to search by topic, so I opened the topical guide in the LDS Gospel Library app on my phone. I must have spent an hour reading and highlighting and cross referencing different scriptures that really spoke to me. For the first time I felt like the time I spent on my phone was actually useful, productive, and uplifting.
I have found myself turning on my Gospel Library instead of Facebook or Solitaire when I need a break or I need to escape and calm my nerves. I have been feeling peace. And I have been learning. Right now I am at the end of Alma in the Book of Mormon and really recognizing and appreciating the qualities found in good leaders. I am excited to be reading voraciously from the scriptures instead of forcing myself to do it out of obligation.
One of the things I love about reading on my phone is that I can do it in the dark. If Dan is sleeping I don't have to turn on the lights, although that hasn't been an issue for the last month since he's been working nights and sleeping down in the guest room during the day. But I love turning off the lights and tucking in for the night and reading the word of God in the blue glow of modern technology.