I awoke at 1:48 this morning bawling my eyes out because I was having a dream that I had been told by a very reliable source that I would die in 2-3 days. Dan kept telling me it was just a dream and finally said, "OK" in frustration, no doubt having flashbacks of when we were newlyweds and I would awake from a nightmare, screaming and wildly trying to knock giant spiders off my entire body.
The dream struck such raw emotion in me that I couldn't stop crying, so I just got up out of bed and came to the computer. These are some of the thoughts that came to me in my dream:
- How could I leave Dan alone with the girls?
- Lily would just about die of heartbreak without her Mama
- I would die of heartbreak knowing that Amelia wouldn't remember her mother
- Dan could be completely debt free with my life insurance money (sacreligious, I know)
Quickly followed by these thoughts was me calling Dan and telling him to come home from work immediately. After telling him the news, we just clung to each other and bawled. Then I started thinking about what I needed to do in the next two days. I needed to make a video so Amelia would remember her Mama. I needed to make a tape recording of me singing bedtime songs for Lily. I needed to go to the temple with Dan.
A ridiculous idea crossed my mind. To write a farewell blog post to have Dan post after I died. I would tell about the things I cherished the most, how much I loved Dan and the girls, how I wanted them to live the rest of their lives.
About this time in the dream, I awoke crying, and ever since, I have been thinking about what I would do if this really happened. I am so utterly unprepared for such a tragedy. Who is? But I don't even have a will. Something I have been thinking about lately every time I go online to pay bills is, "I really need to write down all the user names and passwords to all these accounts so that if anything happened to me, Dan could pay the bills." Those are some of the practical things.
But at an emotional level, I just can't even imagine all that I would want to do for my family if they were going to have to live the rest of their lives without me. Lily is such a mama's girl, one of Dan's biggest challenges would be helping her cope with life without her mother. I'm sure looking down from heaven one would realize how short and fleeting this earth life is in the eternal scheme of things, but if you were the one left to live 50 or 80 years without your spouse or your mother, it would often feel unbearable.
One thing I know, and Dan and I have talked about this, is I would want Dan to remarry so the girls could have a mother and he would have help raising them. She would have to be pretty amazing to love someone else's children, but I would love her for taking over where I could not be. I would want to write Lily a letter about all that I adore about her, how I want her to behave, what kind of character traits I want her to develop, what my hopes and dreams for her are. I would want to make her a recording of me singing her favorite Primary songs. I would want to just hold Amelia close to me, nurse her and have her stroke my hair, look into her beautiful hazel eyes and wonder how I was going to ever survive without her little body next to mine.
I have often said to myself that I do not fear death, and in some ways I am excited about it because I can't wait to see what's next, to find the answers to so many questions, to meet Heavenly Father and my Savior. But in reality, I can't bear the thought of dying and leaving Dan, who I have grown to love fiercely, and my sweet and precious girls.
I hope to live a very long life and die with peace and anticipation just like President Hinckley did.