Buckin' Broncos!

The Christmas bouncy horses from Nana and Papa have been a HUGE hit!



Lily's orange one is named Blossom
Amelia's purple one is named Rainbow.
Mack's brown one is named Cocoa.

Thanks, Nana & Papa!

C'mon sleepy head!

Not suprisingly, Lily and Mack were up early on Christmas morning while Amelia was sawing logs in my bed. Once Mack saw the Toy Story figures with all the stockings, he was desperate to open Jesse. I told him he had to go ask Sissy.

Remember...

Friend of the Week

Lily is the Friend of the Week in her 3rd grade class this week.

I spent an inordinate amount of time making her poster, but I wanted to make it extra special since we haven't done this since she was in kindergarten. If there was a spotlight in first grade, I didn't get the memo, and I totally blew it for second grade because Lily was the star of the week right after Christmas break and I totally forgot. So I stayed up into the wee hours of the morn to complete her poster. And let's face it- I'm an anal perfectionist (except when it comes to housekeeping).

Lily was especially excited about putting her baby picture and others of her growing up on the poster. (Click to view larger.)

Facts about Lily:

Born February 25, 2002
Oldest of 3 children
Nickname "Biggie"
Sister Amelia (4)
Brother Mack (almost 2)
Tall for her age
Got baptized this year
Barrel Racer & Calf Rider
Has lost 10 teeth
Has lived in 5 houses
Early Riser

Lily's Favorites:

Riding her horse
Reading
Helping her Dad on the ranch
Animals of all kinds
Baseball
Clogging
CHS football games
Swimming
Sledding
Ice skating
Alone time with her Mom
Bacon
Popcorn & Kettle Corn
Meatballs
Cheese Pizza
Ice cream
Chocolate
Hardy Boys & Nancy Drew
Purple
Stuffed Animals
Family Reunions
Crafts

Things Lily wants to do:

Have her own bedroom
Get a house pet
Visit her cousins in Missouri
Cook by herself
Build something with her Dad
Get a new horse
Take pictures
Have another sibling

Love my big girl!

Cokeville takes State!

For Dan...

Smell My Feet

Dan has been after me for awhile to get some pictures of the kids posted, so I'll start with Halloween.

Lily is really into Nancy Drew books, so originally that's what she was going to be for Halloween. I searched online and it said to just wear a plaid skirt and cardigan, but that's more the style of the recent movie than the actual books. The pictures on the book covers have Nancy wearing conservative 1950's dresses:

(this is what we're reading right now, The Ghost of Blackwood Hall)

I searched online for vintage 1950's dresses and all I could find in Lily's size were dress patterns and I did NOT want to sew a dress! We were talking to Dan on Skype one night and he said, "No one's going to know who she is." After some consideration, I asked Lily if she wanted to be a 50's poodle skirt girl, a costume I found while searching for 1950's clothing. Once I showed her the picture she was sold.

Aside from the awesome twirly skirt, Lily's favorite part of the costume was the cat eye glasses.

Amelia had her costume picked out ages before Halloween. While Dan was at mud school in Houston, home of NASA, he got Amelia a complete astronaut outfit. She was totally in love with it and for weeks before Halloween she went around telling everyone that she was going to be an astronaut.

Because we'd spent quite a bit on the girls' costumes, we opted for a freebie hand-me-down for Mack. We raided our friend Karla's large dress-up stash and Mack was happy as could be in his little lion costume, complete with his own blond curl peeking out the front.

We carved pumpkins with our friends the Toomers a few days before Halloween (that's Kallianne and Karla in the top left.)

I made the mistake of looking up templates online so we'd have something easy to trace. Then the girls saw the dog templates on Better Homes and Gardens' website and I got roped into doing two very intricate designs. Turned out cute, though, huh?

We headed out to trick-or-treat before dark so I could get some pictures and Mack could actually see what was going on. They're like the Three Musketeers of Halloween!

Dude, little bags of chips? A little salty to balance out all the sweet...Genius!

Our friend Katie (Brian's sister) had a scarecrow hanging by her front door. Mack wasn't too sure he wanted to walk past that thing.

Then he realized it was just pretend and thought it was a pretty cool guy.

Please try to ignore the purple girly hand-me-down boots. Mack just got some cool ones from his cousin Alexander this weekend, so the boy police won't be after him anymore.

Mack was totally diggin' on all the candy. He even mastered saying, "Tandy!"

Hands down, this is the coolest front porch in Cokeville:

Who doesn't want a giant cowboy boot outside their front window?

Lily was such a sweetheart, helping Mack walk up to all the doors and get his candy.

Amelia had a little trouble getting her helmet to stay on (here she is at her preschool Halloween party with the thing falling back on her face!)

But it sure came in handy when it started to rain!

We had a great night trick-or-treating, despite the rain. We walked around our corner of town for about 30 minutes, then we took the car and went to other parts of town. We finally got rained out and headed home to check out the loot.

Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet!

Happy Fall

Love, Curly Q Mack

Anticipation...

Love This Guy

Dan heading off bright and early for his first hitch as a mud engineer. Who can resist a man with his name embroidered on his shirt (even if it says J Bown)? Totally hot!

Reflections

I just finished looking through the pictures of Zoe's funeral. What an emotional day it was. The most poignant image was of Michael, chair pulled right up next to the casket, peacefully looking at his mom...

I know it seemed weird to some people that I was taking pictures. You're supposed to take pictures at happy events, right? But I guess that's just my way of giving, of contributing, and of preserving a moment in time that someday the family might want to remember. I asked Kevin beforehand if he wanted me to get pictures of people and the flowers and such, and he said that would be nice. At first I was somewhat timid because I didn't want to intrude on people's privacy, but after awhile I figured that we would never get this day back and it was better to have too much than not enough. As Kevin said, "just take them and we can always delete them later..." I won't share them here because it's not my place, but there are some wonderful images of people talking and sharing support, some darling pictures of the kids, and tender moments at the graveside.

One thing I was able to do for the funeral was prepare a collection of images from Zoe's life. It was such an honor to do that, to give everyone a visual reminder of the full life that Zoe lived. Kevin's sisters did a wonderful job designing the table, using several of Zoe's Willow Tree sculptures. Many people commented that their favorite image was from Zoe's baptism day, before she and Kevin were a couple, when Kevin was a missionary in England. To see them both in white and think of the eternal nature of their relationship was a great comfort.

Now that the funeral is over, we all face the difficult task of adjusting to a new normal, without Zoe. It just seems so unreal sometimes. It's been hard not to be melancholy and I find that I just don't want to be alone. I need to be around other people who love Zoe, or I just want to sleep.

Dan is coming home from mud school in Houston in 7 days. I'm so anxious not to be alone anymore, yet I'm having mixed emotions about how our future is going to proceed. Mud school seemed manageable because it was a specific amount of time with an end in sight. We were anticipating that Dan was going to have a consistent schedule of two weeks on, two weeks off at a site only 3 hours away. But currently the natural gas rigs in Pinedale are pretty much tapped out, so there's no work there. Dan will likely have to work out of the Casper office and will probably be on a rig in northern Colorado. Not exactly within driving distance for a day trip. And they're short-handed on mud engineers, so Dan will likely have to work much longer than 2 weeks at a time until Halliburton gets more mud engineers trained.

It's so disappointing to get to the end of this big challenge and realize that it's probably not going to improve a lot in terms of our time together as a family. While I have learned a lot about my capacity to handle day-to-day life on my own, and felt empowered by my relative success, we are not a whole family like this:

(Photo taken at Zoe's funeral. Her favorite color was blue.)

I'm ready to feel whole again. And my heart aches for Kevin because he's feeling that emotion exponentially. Zoe's death has brought an insecurity, an uncertainty to all of us. We're not sure what to do with ourselves. I'm not sure I can have confidence in the future right now. My whole world could be ripped away at any moment. I have faith that God can make all things whole, but it's so hard abiding. A strange combination of worry and indifference cloud my mind right now. I'm afraid to feel too deeply, to need too desperately. I hope this soon passes so that I can be a proper wife and mother to the family I adore.

How about some happy pictures?

The last two days have brought a lot of comfort concerning Zoe. The Spirit has been strong, working hard as the Comforter, and I've had a chance to talk through my feelings with some people close to me and close to Zoe. I feel a great sense of peace about where Zoe is, that her humor and companionship are not lost, and that she will continue to be a presence in all of our lives. Her viewing is tomorrow night and the funeral is on Wednesday. The Nates put me in charge of compiling and framing all of the pictures for the funeral, so I am enjoying that labor of love and smiling as I think of all the fun times we enjoyed with Zoe. Thank you all for your kind comments and support.

Now, how about some happy pictures? Here are some recent ones from the last few weeks:

Lily's first day of 3rd Grade, complete with siblings still in their PJ's and Mack sporting the white trash sneakers-over-footie-pj's look. 8-23-2010.

Stylish outfit courtesy of Target (sweater), Walmart (shirt), Old Navy (pants) and Children's Place (shoes). Ensemble chosen completely by Lily.

Geez, who IS that long-legged kid striding into Mr. Teichert's class?



\This beauty got himself trapped in our house and hung out in the front window all morning. I kept smiling and thinking that my friend Samantha was there in spirit to pay me a little visit. 8-24-2010

Snuggles in the Closet Bed. 8-27-2010

Amelia's first day of Preschool. She was so excited to load up her backpack for the very first time.

8-31-2010

The girl is not shy, that's for sure!

Mack and Biggie spinning on the new playground at the Elementary School. 9-01-2010

I visited Dan over Labor Day weekend. As you can see, he is full of love for his home away from home for the last 8 weeks. Or maybe he just knew he was gonna get lucky that night. Hard to say. 9-05-2010

I was in Houston on Amelia's 4th birthday, so we celebrated yesterday at the Nates. She picked this cake out of the Wilton book several months ago and has been waiting and waiting for her ice cream cone castle cake. 9-12-2010

Grandma Lynette got Amelia this little outfit for her birthday and today she asked could she please wear it to Bal-ah-lay (Ballet) class. It was perfect! 9-13-2010

It's hard being the only boy with two older sisters.
But don't worry Daddy, he's got a ball and a scabby elbow, so he's OK. 9-13-2010

This is my friend Zoe.

Zoe is married to Brian Nate's brother Kevin (Brian is Dan's best friend and our next door neighbor). Zoe is 31 years old and mother to 5-year-old Michael and 11-month-old Olivia. The Nates are our adopted family here in Cokeville, so Zoe is family. But she is also my friend.

Zoe died on Monday.

She had been sick with the flu and Kevin had taken the kids to his mom's so Zoe could rest. Kevin and Zoe spent a quiet afternoon at home, napping and watching TV. Shortly before 5:00pm, Kevin looked over at his sleeping Zoe and noticed that her lips looked blue. Just then his sister Katie arrived to bring the kids back and Kevin asked, "Do Zoe's lips look blue to you?" They called 911 and Kevin began CPR, but Zoe was gone.

Just gone.

After extensive autopsies, the cause of death is still unknown. No sign of heart trauma, no aneurysm, no lung failure, no toxins or weird drug interactions, nothing.

It is hard to fathom how someone can just be gone with no explanation. I won't try to imagine what each member of the Nate family is going through, I cannot know their grief, I can only know my own grief.

I don't think anyone really knew, not even Dan, that Zoe had really become a good friend of mine in the last few months. Zoe understood some things about me that not everyone can. I can't say too much right now because I'm just too emotional. But I had really begun to rely on Zoe, especially since Dan has been gone, as someone I could talk to and just comfortably be with anytime, without agenda or expectation.

I hope that she can see, that she can look down from heaven and know how much she was loved.

Why I go to the Temple

It's been about 6 months since I've been to the temple. My recommend expired at the end of March, I didn't get it renewed until June, and then I just let summer get in the way. I've never been real consistent about my temple attendance. I like to think of myself as a temple-loving saint, but our impressions of who we are are often skewed by our intentions rather than our actions.

photo courtesy of Wikipedia

Our temple district is the Logan, UT Temple and it's about an hour and 45 minute drive from Cokeville. In all my married life, this is the farthest I've ever lived from a temple, even when we lived in Virginia. So I have that excuse, but honestly I only made it 2 or 3 times a year even when we lived close to a temple. I also use the excuse that it's hard to get a babysitter for 3 kids for what turns out to be an all-day affair. It's not high on the priority list as a couple activity with Dan, someday I hope it will be, but for now if we have a day where we can spend a significant amount of time together and pay for a babysitter, we choose different activities. Sad, but true.

I have been going solo for quite some time and because of the time commitment involved to go to Logan (2 hour session and 3 1/2 hours of driving, plus usually some shopping while I'm in the "big city") I've opted to just go to the temple when I am visiting my Mom and I can leave the kids with her. This was my first time attending the Logan Temple, my "home" temple, and I went away from it with a few epiphanies, especially in light of the post I put up yesterday.

The prophet and our local leaders urge us to attend the temple at least once a month, more if possible. And yet, it is one of God's instructions that I have a hard time following. Why is the temple so important? What is it about regular temple worship that makes all those old couples who work in the temple bear such strong testimony of its importance?

I've had some wonderful experiences in the temple. My very favorite temple memory is from when I was a newlywed. Dan and I were stake missionaries out in Falls Church, VA and I often went out on splits with the sister missionaries. One week they invited me to join them in a mission-wide (or maybe it was just a zone-wide) temple day at the Washington D.C. Temple. As usual, I was running late and missed the session that the sisters were in, caught the next one 30 minutes later. I figured I had missed everyone, but after completing the endowment session and rounding the corner into the Celestial Room, I was greeted by the most amazing sight. The room was absolutely jam packed with people in white, all smiling, the room aflutter with positive energy and joy. My favorite missionary, Sister Bolingbroke saw me and rushed to give me a giant hug and I was immediately struck by the thought, "This is what it's going to be like on the other side." Joyful faces, clothed in white, rushing to welcome you to the most serene place you could ever imagine.

But to be perfectly honest, the majority of my experiences in the temple are not as memorable. The endowment session is a place of instruction where you are taught about the creation, about your purpose on earth and in the next life, and where you make covenants to live a clean and Christ-devoted life. Because it is essentially a classroom, there is a lot of repetition and it is narrated by a single voice. Part of the endowment is a video presentation and I gotta be honest. You put me in a soft chair and turn down the lights, chances are I'm gonna need some toothpicks to keep my eyes open. No matter how much sleep I've gotten prior to going to the temple, I always struggle to stay awake. Which sometimes leads to guilt "I am not doing justice to this experience for the person for whom I am standing as proxy" or shame as I catch myself doing the head jerk and hope no one noticed. Sometimes I come away wondering if it did any good to go and doze off through any part of it.

But you know what? I have never regretted going. Not once. The information taught there has great value, of eternal consequence. And while I've heard it all before and I have a decent enough memory I could likely recall all the things I learned there without going for awhile, I never want to forget. I always want to be prepared to meet God and have the confidence that I can answer the inquiries from the angels who stand as sentinels to God's kingdom.

I often gain some kind of insight or wisdom as I listen to the familiar words with new ears. And sometimes it doesn't strike me until a day or two later, sometimes weeks later, but I usually find something that applies to my current challenges, some kind of direction or comfort that helps me as I strive to be a more complete person. But there are also times in my life when I'm not particularly seeking for anything when I go to the temple and I may not receive any great insights, but I still enjoy the quiet, the sense of being in a cocoon, a sanctuary away from the world. And that has tremendous value.

But you know one of the biggest reasons I keep going to the temple? To be obedient. Plain and simple. There is a peace found in doing what God asks you to, even if you don't have the vision to see all that He wants you to see at that time. We ebb and flow in our spirituality and in our sensitivity to the Spirit and sometimes we just aren't "feelin' it" in that department. But the Lord wants us to continue, to press forward, to strive even when we aren't in the mood. That's the whole idea behind enduring.

Because I want to be a doer and not just a hearer of the Word, I am committing anew to make temple worship a priority. Because of this busy time in my life, with small children requiring a great deal of my time, the best I am aiming for right now is to attend monthly. And perhaps sometimes I will not do an endowment session, but do some sealings or other ordinances which require less time. But I want to make it a priority in my life.

As I was setting up the link about temples at the top of this post, I was so impressed at how clearly and succinctly the Church's website conveys all that I believe about the temple. I have a rock solid testimony that it is the most divine place on earth and that every person alive, no matter where you are in your current life, should strive to get there. The explanation of the temple bears sharing here:

Why These Temples?

by President Gordon B. Hinckley

Was there ever a man or woman who, in a time of quiet introspection, has not pondered the solemn mysteries of life?

Has he or she not asked, "Where did I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? What is my relationship to my Maker? Will death rob me of the treasured associations of life? What of my family? Will there be another existence after this, and, if so, will we know one another there?"

The answers to these questions are not found in the wisdom of the world. They are found only in the revealed word of God. Temples of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are sacred structures in which these and other eternal questions are answered. Each is dedicated as a house of the Lord, a place of holiness and peace shut apart from the world. There truths are taught and ordinances are performed that bring knowledge of things eternal and motivate the participants to live with an understanding of our divine inheritance as children of God and an awareness of our potential as eternal beings.

These buildings, different from the thousands of regular Church houses of worship scattered over the earth, are unique in purpose and function from all other religious edifices. It is not the size of these buildings or their architectural beauty that makes them so. It is the work that goes on within their walls.

The designation of certain buildings for special ordinances, as distinguished from regular places of worship, is not new. This was the practice in ancient Israel, where the people worshiped regularly in the synagogues. Their more sacred place was, first, the tabernacle in the wilderness with its Holy of Holies, and then a succession of temples, where special ordinances were performed and where only those who met the required qualifications could participate in these ordinances.

So it is today. Prior to the dedication of a temple, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints invites the public to go through the building and inspect its various facilities. But when it is dedicated it becomes the house of the Lord, vested with a character so sacred that only members of the Church in good standing are permitted to enter. It is not a matter of secrecy. It is a matter of sanctity.

The work that goes on in these buildings sets forth God's eternal purposes with reference to man—God's child and creation. For the most part, temple work is concerned with the family, with each of us as members of God's eternal family and with each of us as members of earthly families. It is concerned with the sanctity and eternal nature of the marriage covenant and family relationships.

It affirms that each man and woman born into the world is a child of God, endowed with something of His divine nature. The repetition of these basic and fundamental teachings has a salutary effect upon those who receive them, for as the doctrine is enunciated in language both beautiful and impressive, the participant comes to realize that since every man and woman is a child of Heavenly Father, then each is a member of a divine family; hence, every person is his brother or sister.

When asked by the scribe, "Which is the first commandment of all?" the Savior replied, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

"And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself" (Mark 12:28, 30–31).

The teachings set forth in modern temples give powerful emphasis to this most fundamental concept of our duty to our Maker and to our neighbors. Sacred ordinances amplify this ennobling philosophy of the family of God. They teach that the spirit within each of us is eternal, in contrast with the body, which is mortal. They not only give understanding of these great truths but also motivate the participant to love of God and encourage him to demonstrate a greater neighborliness toward others of our Father's children.

Accepting the premise that each is a child of God helps us see that there is divine purpose in mortal life. Here again, revealed truth is taught in the house of the Lord. Earth life is part of an eternal journey. We lived as spirit children before we came here. The scriptures bear testimony of this. Witness the word of the Lord to Jeremiah: "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations" (Jeremiah 1:5).

We come into this life as children of mortal parents and as members of families. Parents are partners with God in bringing to pass His eternal purposes with reference to His children. The family, therefore, is a divine institution, the most important both in mortality and in eternity.

Much of the work that goes on within temples is concerned with the family. Basic to an understanding of its meaning is recognition of the fact that even as we existed as children of God before we were born into this world, so also shall we continue to live after death, and the treasured and satisfying relationships of mortality, the most beautiful and meaningful of which are found in the family, may continue in the world to come.

Marriage partners who come to the house of the Lord and partake of its blessings are joined not only for the period of their mortal lives but for all eternity. They are bound together under authority not only of the law of the land that joins them until death but also through the eternal priesthood of God, which binds in heaven that which is bound on earth. The couple so married has the assurance of divine revelation that their relationship and that of their children will not end with death but will continue in eternity, provided they live worthy of that blessing.

Was there ever a man who truly loved a woman, or a woman who truly loved a man, who did not pray that their relationship might continue beyond the grave? Has a child ever been buried by parents who did not long for the assurance that their loved one would again be theirs in a world to come? Can anyone believing in eternal life doubt that the God of heaven would grant His sons and daughters that most precious attribute of life, the love that finds its most meaningful expression in family relationships? No, reason demands that the family relationship shall continue after death. The human heart longs for it, and the God of heaven has revealed a way whereby it may be secured. The sacred ordinances of the house of the Lord provide for it.

But all of this would appear to be unfair indeed if the blessings of these ordinances were available only to those who are now members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The fact is that the opportunity to come into the temple and partake of its blessings is open to all who will accept the gospel and be baptized into the Church. For this reason, the Church carries forward an extensive missionary program in much of the world and will continue to expand this program as widely as possible, for it has the responsibility, under divine revelation, to teach the gospel to "every nation, kindred, tongue, and people."

But there are uncounted millions who have walked the earth and who have never had the opportunity to hear the gospel. Shall they be denied such blessings as are offered in the temples of the Lord?

Through living proxies who stand in behalf of the dead, the same ordinances are available to those who have passed from mortality. In the spirit world these same individuals are then free to accept or reject those earthly ordinances performed for them, including baptism, marriage, and the sealing of family relationships. There's no compulsion in the work of the Lord, but there must be opportunity.

This vicarious work constitutes an unprecedented labor of love on the part of the living in behalf of the dead. It makes necessary a vast undertaking of family history research to find and identify those who have gone before. To assist in this research, the Church coordinates a family history program and maintains research facilities unmatched in all the world. Its archives are open to the public and have been used by many who are not members of the Church in tracing their forebears. This program has been praised by genealogists throughout the world and has been utilized by various nations as a safeguard of their own records. But its primary purpose is to afford members of the Church the resources needed to identify their ancestors that they might extend to them the blessings that they themselves enjoy. They in effect say to themselves, "If I love my wife and children so dearly that I want them for all eternity, then should not my deceased grandfather and great-grandfather and other forebears have opportunity to receive the same eternal blessings?"

And so these sacred buildings are scenes of tremendous activity, quietly and reverently carried forward. They call to mind a part of the vision of John the Revelator wherein are recorded this question and this answer: "What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and whence came they? . . .

"These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

"Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple" (Revelation 7:13–15).

Those who come to these holy houses are arrayed in white as they participate therein. They come only on recommendation of their local ecclesiastical authorities, having been certified as to their worthiness. They are expected to come clean in thought, clean in body, and clean in dress to enter the temple of God. As they enter they are expected to leave the world behind them and concentrate on things divine.

This very exercise, if such it may be called, carries with it a reward of its own, for who in these times of stress would not welcome an opportunity to shut out the world and enter into the Lord's house, there to ponder quietly the eternal things of God? These sacred precincts offer the opportunity, available nowhere else, to learn of and reflect on the truly meaningful things of life—our relationship to Deity and our eternal journey from a premortal state into this life and on to a future estate where we shall know and associate one with another, including our own loved ones and our forebears who have preceded us and from whom has come our inheritance of things of the body, mind, and spirit.

Surely these temples are unique among all buildings. They are houses of instruction. They are places of covenants and promises. At their altars we kneel before God our Creator and are given promise of His everlasting blessings. In the sanctity of their appointments we commune with Him and reflect on His Son, our Savior and Redeemer, the Lord Jesus Christ, who served as proxy for each of us in a vicarious sacrifice in our behalf. Here we set aside our own selfishness and serve for those who cannot serve themselves. Here, under the true priesthood power of God, we are bound together in the most sacred of all human relationships—as husbands and wives, as children and parents, as families under a sealing that time cannot destroy and death cannot disrupt.

These sacred buildings were constructed even during those dark years when the Latter-day Saints were relentlessly driven and persecuted. They have been built and maintained in times of poverty and prosperity. They come from the vital faith of an ever-growing number who bear witness of a living God, of the resurrected Lord, of prophets and divine revelation, and of the peace and assurance of eternal blessings to be found only in the house of the Lord.