Tuesday, October 9, 2012


Thought I'd try to write today.

It has been a rough 6 months for me. My depression has been the worst it's ever been and I've had to start taking a mood stabilizer in addition to my anti-depressant. I've been diagnosed with a mood cycling disorder. Not bipolar because I never get manic, but my depression cycles lower and lower each time and never recovers. The meds have stabilized since August and I am no longer feeling suicidal and angry and despondent.

I am grateful not to be in the deep hole of despair that I lived in for several months, at least now I can get out of bed and do housework and help the kids with homework and actually play with Mack instead of letting him watch movies all day. I have even been able to work a little on my photos. But I often feel like I have turned into this subdued or even stoic person that does not feel very much. I notice things, like this morning when Mack woke up and I walked downstairs with him, his little hand was warm in mine, but I wasn't overcome with love and gratitude like I used to be.

I'm trying to do normal things, but I don't feel normal. We have been doing a lot as a family lately because Dan is waiting on a rig here in Cokeville to finish the permitting process so they can start drilling. I like doing all these things and I try to take lots of pictures, but I don't find the deep sense of contentment and gratitude that I think I should. I've always gotten a lot of satisfaction from taking, editing, and sharing my photos, but it just seems like too much effort to make my photos beautiful.

I am rambling, but I wanted to make some sort of effort to write and post photos. I was talking to Dan a couple days ago and saying that I just can't get motivated to record our family's story. I just keep thinking, "Does it really matter?" I mean, I don't know much about my great-grandmother. I don't have a journal from an ancestor telling how they dealt with their challenges. Dan's grandmother died almost 10 years ago and all her stories and history that wasn't recorded is gone. Does it make a difference in my daily life? In 100 years, will any of this matter? Yes, people like the founders of the Constitution or early protestants in the Christian church, those people's lives made a difference in society. But there's nothing really noteworthy about my life. Dan's response was, "you never know what our children will do. Maybe they'll do something great in their lives and people will want to know how they were raised." Dan also pointed out that in this day of digital technology, it is now actually feasible that we can pass our history (photos, journals, blogs, etc.) on to our children, grandchildren, and beyond because it can all be stored on one small external hard drive. My friend Karla, in response to my "what's the point" train of thought, said that if recording memories makes me happy, then it's worth it. And I guess in light of my struggle with depression, I need to just do anything that gives me purpose or pleasure or a sense of accomplishment.

One thing I have learned about myself in therapy is that I have an "all or nothing" personality. If I can't do it right or complete or all the way, I don't want to do it. But I am trying to learn that something is better than nothing. So as much as it bothers me to post pictures that haven't been beautified in Photoshop or not accompanying my photos with a complete narrative, I am going to try to post some pictures that make me happy or remind me of fun things we have done.


The Queen Vee said...

For now I just want you to know that I love you and I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult 7 months.

Matt and I have both concluded that we are mediocre and we're okay with that but we do know and understand what is most important and that is family and friends. You are important to me and I don't expect you to be perfect.

I just had to ask Ken how to spell mediocre and he asked if it was a test.

Apis Melliflora said...

Sue, I hope you are able not only to stabilize, but to feel the joy, gratitude & purpose you long to feel.

Lori Gerten said...

I am so proud of you and how far you have come. You are a wonderful woman, mom, and friend and my life is not complete without you in it. I love you girl!

Becky in Wyo said...

Not sure what the "other crazy sister" is supposed to say. I love you... maybe a fart joke or two?

Gwen said...

I'm glad you are back blogging :) I've missed your posts. So sorry to hear about your depression, and I sure hope it continues to improve. Take care.

Raluca said...

Dear Sue,
I am so sorry to hear about all the struggle you've been through lately! I think of you a lot and I hope things will get better for you fast.
The best for you would be to really be aware of the reason of your problems. This is the only healthy way to recover properly.

Your children need you. You love them and care for them more than anybody else in this world! When you feel overwhelmed try this: forget about anything else and play some karaoke with your kids. When I realize I am "far away and absent" I play this old-fashioned video for my little ones, and then we have a lot of fun: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8T9H0WD-hE

Blogging is good for you and for your kids. I have probably less than 100 photos from my entire childhood and for sure I'd like to know much more about me when I was little than my parents remember now ( I don't remember much and they don't remember "enough" ;-) ).
It's a wrong way to think that only "great peoples"' lives worth to be documented. For your family you are the greatest!! And remember the olympic creed: "The most important thing in the Olympic games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph, but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well."
My life is better since I read your blog: my photography improved, I own a "Willow Tree by Susan Lordi" sculpture which makes me happy and grateful everytime a set my eyes on it, and I know I have a trustful friend in USA I can always talk to.
Keep on writing! Don't take it as a chore, but as an entertaining option. It's not a "must", but a "would be nice". You really write so good!

Christmas is near so don't forget to watch "It's a wonderful life" at least once again. Do it for me, please!

Kisses from Europe!
I love you, Sue!