Binky Stew

Let me tell you about my Mommy's Week From H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.

Last Sunday night Lily went to bed whining about an awful belly ache. She had eaten a lot of junk food that day so I didn't think too much about it. I was awakened by hysterical crying about 12:30am, rushed out of my bedroom and promptly stepped in a pile of puke. Lily was about to hurl again so I rushed her to the toilet. After vomiting a few times, I wiped her off and let her lay on the ground and went to survey the damage. There was puke splattered nearly the entire length of her bedroom from her bed to the doorway. And of course, we have carpet. While fighting back the puke shivers, I immediately got Amelia out of her bed and took her into Dan. Hoping that she wouldn't get sick or be in the line of fire in case another vomit attach ensued.

Have you ever had to clean up large amounts of puke out of carpet? I think the few times Lily has been sick in the past, she was small enough to be contained in her crib or we were holding her at the time and caught most of it in a blanket or something. Well let me tell you, it's the best argument for hardwood floors there is! After I got Lily cleaned up and put back in her bed, I just sat looking at the mess before me and was utterly paralyzed. How do you even start? Thank my lucky stars, my mom has a carpet shampooer, so I took Dan a set of ear plugs and told him to make good use of them. I thought I would try to clean up the big chunks by hand because it seemed pretty gross and unsanitary to suck it up in the carpet cleaner. But after just a few paper towels full, I couldn't stand it anymore and just turned on the shampooer. 20 minutes and a whole bottle of Spic-n-Span later, I was as done as I was gonna be. Lily slept through the whole thing, if you can believe it!

Fortunately, Lily's room wasn't in quite as bad a state of disarray as it usually is, so only a few things got puked on. Most were dirty clothes, so I could just throw those in the washing machine. But one big toy, her Fisher Price Little People Barn, had puke splattered all over it. After cleaning the carpet, the bathroom floor, the toilet, and throwing in a load of laundry, I just didn't have it in me to scrub off the barn. I just left it in the bathtub and decided to deal with it in the morning. To my dismay, this wasn't a one-time puking incident, it continued throughout the night with Lily sleeping on the bathroom floor and me laying in her bed. Every time I barely started drifting off to sleep I would hear her start to dry heave and cry "Mama" so I would run in to help hold her hair back and wipe her with a cool washcloth when she was done. I think she threw up 6 or 7 times by the time daylight arrived.

Now, back to the barn. When Dan got up to shower for work, the barn and various puke soiled towels were sitting in the tub waiting to get cleaned. Dan threw the towels in the washer and just shoved the barn to the bottom of the tub down by the drain and decided to just let it get sprayed off and I could scrub it with bleach later. Well, we both forgot that the barn had batteries and a speaker in it to make various animal noises. After Dan's shower, I heard this weird crackling sound coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered the barn, still not quite rid of puke, and remembered about the speaker. Oh hell. Now I had a choice to make. Lily has enjoyed that barn since her Aunt Dianna got it for her when she was a toddler. And now Amelia loves to play with it too. But I was going to have to take it all apart to dry off all the elements in order to restore it to working order. Plus there was still puke on it. After the long night and my utter disgust with vomit, I decided I would rather throw away a $35.00 toy than have to clean up one more mess.

Turns out, I was just getting started.

About 10:30 on Monday morning, I was making Amelia some macaroni & cheese because it's one of the few things she'll eat without too much fuss these days. Right as I was taking her to the highchair, she projectile vomited all over the floor. Thankfully, however, it was the kitchen floor. No carpet=easy clean-up. After cleaning up the puke, I just sank down onto the floor and admitted defeat. Lily continued to throw up every couple of hours throughout the day, despite the fact that we were making her wait 2 hours after she puked to have anything to drink. She just couldn't keep anything down. She was thirsty, whiny, and miserable, but by the afternoon she was like an old pro. "I think I need to get my pukey's out" she'd say, as she ran up to the toilet. Then she'd do her thing, I'd wipe her face, and she'd say, "I think I got all the pukey's out" and go lay down again.

Thankfully, Amelia only threw up that one time, but she developed bad diarrhea late in the day. I put her to bed early and went to sleep myself. After just a couple of hours, I was up with Lily again; poor thing was still throwing up. Have I mentioned that Dan was also feeling totally sick all day too, and had taken some of my Promethazine anti-nausea pills left over from when I was pregnant. Fortunately, the pills suppressed Dan's urge to vomit. If any of you have ever heard Dan puke, you swear there's going to be a lung in the toilet when he's done. He can wake the dead, and that's no exaggeration. Becca Nate, can I get an amen?

About 12:30am, I was up helping Lily after she threw up, yet again. After I tucked her back in bed, I walked out of her room and was hit by such an overwhelming wave of nausea that I became dizzy and just sank to the ground. "Oh, no freakin' way, I can't get sick!" I felt for sure that I was going to puke, so I grabbed a ponytail and pulled my hair back (men, you can't appreciate this, but women, you know what I'm talking about. There's nothing like vomit in your hair to just put you over the edge!) I curled up on the floor and started shivering. Fortunately, I was right by the linen closet so I pulled out a blanket and just huddled on the floor. After a couple of hours, the nausea subsided so I slowly drug myself back down onto the couch. Not too long after that, Lily got up and called, "I think I'm gonna puke again." I said, "get to the toilet." She said, "I want you up here" to which I responded, "Honey, I'm getting the sicky's too and I'm too dizzy to get up. You'll just have to do it by yourself." Ended up it was just the dry heaves and she was done with vomiting for good.

I will now pause for intermission. Go have a bathroom break, get a snack (although you may not have much of an appetite after reading this), then return when you're ready for more.

Just after daylight I heard Amelia crying. Fortunately, the nausea had passed for me and Lily was sound asleep on the living room floor. As I entered the girls' room, I was assaulted by yet another foul smell. Amelia, her pj's, her blankets, and her beloved woobie were covered in diarrhea. "Oh, sh*#!" Quite apropos, yes? We are now into Tuesday morning and I'm hosing Amelia down in the tub while she screams bloody murder.

The day didn't have too many more messes. Lily was feeling better and started eating. Amelia could keep food down just fine and strangely, she wasn't getting too bad a diaper rash from all the diarrhea. She was really whiny and leechy, but other than that, not too bad.

Wednesday came, and after talking with the pediatrician, I decided to keep Lily home from school another day until she wasn't contagious anymore. Amelia still had diarrhea and an awfully rumbly tummy. I broke out the gas drops, which we hadn't used since she was maybe 6 or 8 months old. Lily had reached the stage where she was bored of being couped up in the house and not being able to play with her friends. So I had her whining grating on my nerves. I was also stressed out because I had two album designs that were due and I had lost three days of working on them.

Thursday morning looked to be a great day. Lily was going back to school. We had reached the point where the girls were no longer contagious. I kept my appointment at the gym daycare and went and worked out (a very recent addition to my daily activities.) Amelia had a blow-out while in the daycare, but I was prepared with extra clothes, so no big deal. Amelia had a decent nap while Lily was at school and we had plans to pick Dan up from his office after school. I stopped at McDonald's and got the girls some food. Amelia really likes the apples and I was glad to see her eating. Just as I was almost done at the bank drive-thru, Amelia started choking on an apple piece. I started to unbuckle my seatbelt to reach back and help her, but the apple dislodged and she threw up a little. Ewww. I soaked it up with her woobie and pulled out of the drive-thru. Then all hell broke loose. I had just pulled onto the street to head for home and Amelia projectile vomited the entire contents of her stomach all over herself, getting puke into every nook and cranny of her carseat and on the car door.

I can't even describe the stench of spoiled-milk-laden-vomit that filled the car. I dang near puked myself. Lily was going "Ewww, stinky!" and rolling down her window and I was pulling over and trying to find the stupid button to turn on my hazard signals. Woobie was soaked and I was searching around for something to sop up the mess. I grabbed Lily's sweatshirt from her backpack and she goes, "No!" and I pointed to Amelia and said, "Look at the poor thing!" She was a sight to behold. Lily conceded, "OK" after I promised to wash it twice in hot water. I did the best I could wiping Amelia off and then I gunned it for home.

Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot. "Dan, I'm not coming to pick you up. Amelia just threw up all over herself in the car and I have to go home and clean her up. I'll call you later."

Fortunately, we were only 4 minutes from home. Once again, I stripped her down and hosed her off then left her to soak in the tub while Lily watched her. I pulled the carseat out of the car and sat down on the freezing cold concrete of the driveway to face my next "some-messes-are-just-the-mommy's-job" challenge. I was really pissed at this point. Dammit, enough already! I proceeded to get even more frustrated as I cussed the carseat manufacturer who obviously had never had a child puke in a carseat, otherwise they would have made it a little more parent-friendly to disassemble to clean.

After fighting with it for about 10 minutes, I went in to check on the girls. As I walked up the stairs Lily said, "Amelia pooped in the bathtub."

You have GOT to be kidding me!

Then Lily, bless her little heart, said, "But I got the big chunkies out with the bucket and now I'm cleaning it in the sink." Wow. "Aren't you glad I helped you with the chunkies?" I couldn't help but smile.

Once Amelia was clean and out of the tub, I called Dan and said, "I resign."

Friday passed with lots of poopy diapers, whining, and "I must be held every second" from Amelia. On Saturday morning she awoke soaked in diarrhea again and had to go straight into the tub while she was still sleep drunk. Man, was she pissed. I almost took her into the urgent care clinic, but after talking to the pediatrician's nurse, we decided to quit giving her milk and restrict her diet to only a couple "constipating" foods.

It's Sunday night, and now she no longer has diarrhea, but she did turn purple while straining to get her rock-hard poopies out.

Now, about the Binky Stew. After all the nastiness of the week, I decided to round up all the binkies I could find and boil the cooties away. My mom went into the kitchen after I had laid the binkies out on the counter to dry and said, "Wow, does that girl really have 10 binkies?" Hey, one can never have too many binkies.

OK, be honest. All of you single folks out there or couples without kids, this was some dang good birth control, now wasn't it?