It's no longer a mystery

Praise the Lord, we're havin' a boy!

I've tried not to admit how bad I wanted a boy because I didn't want to get my hopes up or make the poor kid feel bad if she was a girl. But when the ultrasound technician told us it was a boy, I gave Dan a big ol' high five and when the she left the room I let out a big "whoo-hoo!" Dan was like, "Did you really want a boy that bad?" After telling him yes, he was like, "I just assumed it would be another girl." The night before he'd told me that when we were expecting the first time, he wanted a boy. But then we had Lily and Dan figured out the whole girl thing, then continued to perfect it with Amelia. He said, "Now I know what to do with girls, but I don't really know what to do with a boy." He's all paranoid that his body is going to go completely south by the time the kid is Lily's age, and he won't be able to do any fun physical activities with him. Whatever...he'll totally be coaching his Mighty Might football team!

Here are the pictures:


Profile. Dan swears it looks just like Lily, but then again, don't all baby ultrasounds look pretty much the same? The bubbly looking stuff in the background is the umbilical cord.

Showin' the boy parts with pride. Imagine he's sitting on a glass table and you're looking up from the bottom. You can see his pelvis with his legs stretched out towards the top and the important "package" right in the middle. (Honey, I promise this is the one and only time I'll show your penis to the world. I limit myself to cute naked butt cheeks in the future.)

A little foot on the left.

Arm and hand. He's got his thumb stretched out and fingers curled up. I wonder if he's a thumb sucker. If he is, we plan to fully indoctrinate him with the binky the minute he comes out.

Now, don't even bother asking about names. Dan says he'll start discussing it with me around December 15th. For now, we're sticking with Mystery Baby or Mystery Boy. I don't really have any strong opinions, but I imagine we'll choose something traditional and old fashioned since that's what we did with Lily and Amelia.

Here's me, 18 weeks pregnant. I feel so big already, but when I look at this picture I think, "Oh you ain't seen nothin' yet honey. You'll be as big as a house by the time this little boy is ready to come out!"

Amen, Sister!

Lily said the funniest thing while we were driving in the car yesterday.

Lily: "You wanna know the worst time to get married?"

I'm thinking she's going to say a season or time of the year.

Me: "When?"

Lily: "When you're thirteen."

I smile in the driver's seat and look back at her in the rear view mirror. She's all business.

Lily: "You wanna know why?"

Me: "Uh-huh."

Lily: "Well first, you're all sassy and crabby then. And second, who do you know that's your boyfriend when you're thirteen?"

Me: "That's exactly right, honey, exactly right."

Gram's Memorial Service

Almost all of our family returned to Sheridan, Wyoming for our Cox family reunion from July 10-12 with the express purpose of burying our Gram.

I have many photos to post from the rest of the reunion, but right now I want to write about Gram's memorial service.

Gram chose to be cremated, as did Grandad nearly 18 years ago. It seems that most people around here don't do cremation, so it was a curiosity for me. At first I thought it was a little strange, but Gram had a wonderful article in her "Just in Case" book about cremation. It's called "Light, Like the Sun" and you can read it here. It has made me think that that's the way I want to be buried.

My Mom and Aunt Jane picked out a beautiful urn for Gram. It suited her perfectly; silver, with wildflowers, and not too ornate. Simple and classy.

The day of the memorial service, July 10th, was a hot but gorgeous day. It reflected Gram's personality, bright and cheerful with the sun shining. So many of her old friends showed up and there was an atmosphere of joy as many friends who hadn't seen each other in quite some time enjoyed their renewed acquaintances.

Victoria Bales was a close friend of Gram and Grandad's for decades. She is an artist and did two lovely paintings of my Grandad, one of him on horseback with the Big Horn Mountains in the background (1970) and another portrait of him when he had a beard, with his horses in the corral in the background (1980). Victoria loved Gram and said that she trusted her implicitly. When she decided to get divorced from her first husband, Gram was one of only two people Victoria told, knowing that Gram would not judge her and would offer her support and love.

My Aunt Jane (left) and my Mom (right) with their cousin Douglas MacGregor and his wife.

I love this picture of my brother Don chatting with Terry Punt, who was one of the mountain men up at Kearney Lake when Gram and Grandad were caretakers there. Don spent several summers there as a teenager and Terry was somewhat of a mentor to him. I love that Terry still sports his long hair and beard, just like he did 20 years ago!

Nicholas with his daddy, Don.

Even Becky's son Connor seemed to realize it was time to sit still and be reverent.

Lily and her cousin Faith (Don's) admiring all the flowers by Gram's grave.

Each of the family members wore a piece of MacGregor tartan ribbon, even little Emma (Becky's) , just 3 weeks old.

The Methodist minister did a beautiful job with the service giving a great message of hope and talk of the resurrection. I gave a short life sketch and my brother Don talked about how Gram was the true essence of a Christian woman and she instilled those values and passed on that legacy to all of us.

This is my favorite picture from the service. Lily really loved her Gram and she was not at all disturbed or scared about her death. Mom kept the urn here at the house until we were ready to go to Wyoming, and every once in awhile Lily would go downstairs and stroke the urn and talk about Gram.

Jim Niner, a Sheridan local, sang a beautiful cowboy song about the beauties of Wyoming. He has a wonderful throaty, raspy kind of voice, just perfect for an old cowboy song.

My cousins Chris and Katy and their dad Kenn Pilch. I love Avy and her sassy cowboy boots and Sedona's crazy hair blowing in the wind.

The service ended with a bagpiper (what was his name, Mom?) playing "Amazing Grace". He knew Gram and was tickled pink and honored that Mom asked him to play for the funeral. What I loved was that he continued to walk among the trees and play other songs after the service was over, leaving a wonderful spirit as we all mingled and shared thoughts of Gram.

Before we left Sheridan, we went back up to the cemetery to see Gram & Grandad's grave one more time. Lily had her bear that she chose from Gram's belongings after she died. She named the bear Jeanette.

This is the whole family plot. It was so peaceful to see Gram laid to rest next to her cowboy. As I looked out across to the Big Horn Mountains, I thought, "I can't think of a more beautiful place to arise on resurrection day, to share in the joy of eternal life with your family."

I swore I was going to sleep in this year

I have been taking Lily to see the launching of the hot air balloons in Provo on the 4th of July for the past 3 (maybe 4?) years. They launch at sunrise and that's pretty early in the summer, so every year I swear that I'm going to sleep in the next year. And after last year's experience full of whining (see post below) I was for sure going to skip it this year.

That is, until Dan asked if we should ask Lily if she wanted to go. Dan had never been to see the balloons and every other year he's been like, "you guys have a lot of fun..." I figured this offer might not ever come again, so we asked Lily if she wanted to go and she said yes.

When the alarm went off at 5:30am, Dan and I were both like, "who's stupid idea was this?" We at least had enough sense this year to stop and get Daylight Donuts on the way, so there wasn't as much whining this year.

This is the "My mom is an annoying photographer" courtesy smile.

Amelia was pretty quiet, but fascinated with the giant balloons.

Peeking through the top of one of the balloons.

I love this picture of Lily and the piggie foot. The pig balloon was still inflating and just starting to turn upright, so the feet were dangling low to the ground.

Note to self: If you're going to ask your husband to take your picture at 6:45 in the morning, just to prove you were there, you should at least make some effort with your appearance.


Our girls really ended up with the coolest eye colors.

A much better approach to proving I was there: take a self portrait into your husband's sunglasses. See, Grammie was there, too!

It's always so fun to watch the sunrise over Y mountain with all the balloons filling the sky.

After coming home from the balloons and having a morning nap (I think that was just me) we had a picnic lunch at Discovery Park in Pleasant Grove. Lily, the social butterfly, made some friends in about 2.4 seconds and was off running around the park with other kids the minute we finished eating lunch. Dan just shook his head and said, "I used to think the whole 'I'd rather be with my friends and don't want anything to do with my parents' thing wouldn't start until 12 or 13, then I realized it was probably earlier, like 8 or 9. Well, apparently that starts at age 6."


That's OK Dan, Amelia still thinks playing with Daddy is the coolest thing since the invention of the popsicle.

I Want Bacon!

Last summer, my best friend from high school, Lori Gerlach, came to Utah to visit. We've been doing an annual visit, swapping between Minnesota and Utah, since 2004. This year's visit will likely not happen (sniff, sniff) because we're saving money to pay for the baby's birth and a minivan to hold our growing family.

Last year's visit was super fun because Lori brought her daughter Grace with her. They were here over the 4th of July and I assured them that the balloon launch was something they wouldn't want to miss. Again, when the alarm went off at 5:30am and I went in to wake up Lori, we were both like, "This is a stupid idea." I made a very strategic error in promising Lily that we could have bacon and pancakes when we got home. Bacon is one of Lily's most favorite foods, she'll eat six or eight strips in a sitting.

The minute we arrived at the balloons, Lily started whining to leave, saying, "I want bacon!" over and over again.

Note how Lori and Grace are perfecting the courtesy smile while Lily stares longingly into the distance where they are serving pancakes and bacon for $5.00. I was too cheap to feed her there and told her she had to wait until we got home. In retrospect, I'm like, "why didn't I just buy the kid some bacon so she would shut up?"


I will NOT smile!

At least the flags provided some amusement.

OK, I take it back. There was a two minute period when she was interested in the balloons.

Lori calls this picture "the quintessential American Mom", toting around American flags and a sippy cup.

Love those little teeth and sparkly eyes!

Gracie's Nana died just a few months before their visit, so she latched onto Grammie right away. They were great pals! Nice bitter bacon face on Lily.

So cool.
Gram always loved going to see the balloon launch. Mom took her every year for probably the last ten years. I'm so glad I got this picture of her last year.

The most amusing part of the "I Want Bacon!" story is how it stands out in all of our memories. When Dan asked me this year if we should take Lily, I started laughing and recounted the story about the bacon. Then a few minutes later when he asked Lily if she would like to go, so told him all about last year, that all she did was whine for bacon the whole time (this was without hearing me tell the story.) Then on the morning of the 4th of July, Lori left me a message saying, "Grace and I are just sitting here remembering where we were a year ago. I'm going to do an impression, see if you can guess who it is. 'I want bacon...Baaaaacon." I laughed so hard and let Lily listen to the message and we had a good giggle together.

Good times, good times...

Mystery Baby

Very early in my pregnancy, Lily wanted to know if our baby was a boy or a girl. I told her it would be a few months until we found out and for now it was a mystery. After that, Lily began referring to him/her as Mystery Baby. She loves to kiss and pat my belly and say, "Good Morning, Mystery Baby!" each day. She loves to look at the widgets on the blog and click on the bottom one to read about how our baby is growing each week. Amelia is, of course, oblivious.

This is a picture of a fetus at 14 weeks, so we're just a bit further. It's finally starting to look more like a human than an alien! Did you know that the baby keeps it's eyes closed until about 7 months? Not that there'd be anything to see in the dark, but I thought that was interesting. Mystery Baby is about 4 1/2 inches long and starting to grow hair all over it's body. I'm starting to look pregnant, instead of like I just ate too much ice cream. I've only gained one pound, although I did have a 10 pound head start with this pregnancy over the other two. I'm hoping to not turn into a total heifer.

Some people come up with a name for their babies very early, but we're just not that type. It's too much trouble to worry about until the birth is imminent, like 8 months along. If you recall, we chose Amelia's name while surfing the internet in the labor room. Not a moment too soon!

Our ultrasound is scheduled for August 7th, so just 3 more weeks and we'll have to come up with a different nickname than Mystery Baby.

If the problem gets solved, does it really matter how you solved it?

There's a philosophical question for you.

I have been going through a tough time with my depression ever since I found out I was pregnant. At first I just thought it was because I was feeling so lousy, nauseated all the time, and just tired with the first trimester of pregnancy. But aside from the sickness, I was feeling so emotionally withdrawn.

It's hard to describe depression to someone who's never been clinically depressed. We’ve all had bad times in our lives when we’ve felt very sad or unmotivated or melancholy. But this is something very different. It permeates you to the core so that you become immobilized by it. I was reading some church talks on depression and found this very accurate description:

Depression is not just ordinary discouragement. But at one time or another, almost everyone has a small taste of what depression is like. After a major loss, such as the death of a loved one, you may temporarily lose your appetite, have difficulty sleeping, and find it hard to anticipate anything good happening in the future. This is a normal reaction to grief, and after a short time, you return to normal life.

But if these symptoms continue relentlessly week after week, the normal grief reaction may become clinical depression. If you are depressed, life seems flat and joyless, and its ordinary demands seem overwhelming. You may feel unable to get out of bed. You may even wish you could die rather than continue on in such misery. If you are like many people, you feel guilty for your inability to “snap out of it,” and so you try to wait it out rather than seek professional help.

Flat and joyless, that describes my life perfectly when I am battling depression. I find myself constantly asking, "This is it? How am I going to 'endure to the end' for another 50 or 60 years? Nothing gives me joy, there's nothing to look forward to in life." It's irrational, but accurate. I find myself secretly envying those who die because they don't have to do this mortality thing anymore. Fortunately, I still have enough good sense and knowledge of the Plan of Salvation to know that suicide is never an option.

I have been taking an anti-depressant since 2000, but I've had depression for many years. I certainly could have benefited from some drugs (the safe kind) back in high school, but I guess depression just wasn't as widely researched back then and still carried a strong stigma with it. I don't ever remember a doctor even asking me about it, even after some pretty traumatic events that resulted from my destructive lifestyle at the time. I remember this girl in high school who's mom had manic depression and it seemed so bizarre, so "out there", like she was a total freak. But our society has come a long way in understanding or at least accepting the physiological nature of depression, that it's a biological problem more than a character flaw.

I often think about how blessed I am to be married to Dan specifically because of his understanding and support about my treatment for depression. Not only does he have the scientific knowledge of depression, but he has also seen first-hand, from the time he was a little child, the effects of depression. And he knows that the meds work and that they are beneficial. When I started taking anti-depressants, I used them for about a year or so, then went off them during my pregnancy with Lily (not because they're unsafe, but because I was feeling pretty good and didn't think I needed them.) Then when she was about eight months old, I went through a bad time and Dan pointed out that he had watched the same cycle throughout our marriage, that I would fight and try to be positive for six or eight months, then I'd have a drawn out episode of depression that lasted for a couple months. It really caught my attention to hear him say there was a pattern to my behavior. I thought back, even to when I was in high school and college, and I realized that his assessment was quite accurate.

I was still feeling a little bit like I was weak for needing to take anti-depressants, that now that I was aware of my tendency for getting depressed, I should be able to combat it on my own with behavior modification, attitude adjustment, and lots of prayer. I worked with a counselor for 8 or 9 months and learned so much about my thought processes and emotional tendencies. But even with this knowledge, I still couldn't conquer the beast. I went on and off the meds two more times while Lily was a toddler. After hearing Dan tell me over and over that taking meds wasn't a sign of weakness, it was the same as a diabetic taking their insulin, I started accepting that for me, taking an anti-depressant wasn't a temporary solution to help me kick-start my system. It was something that my brain chemistry required regularly to stay balanced. I was a lifer.

So for the past 3 or 4 years I've been steadily taking 20mg of Prozac everyday and for the most part it has kept me pretty balanced. You may recall that I went through a rough spot when Amelia wasn't sleeping through the night. My doctor prescribed a higher dosage of Prozac, but as soon as we got Amelia sleeping and I was getting some decent rest, I felt SO much better that I just went back to the 20mg dose.

It's been frustrating for me over the last two months that my regular dosage just wasn't cutting it. I kept telling myself that I'd feel better once I wasn't sick anymore. Or maybe the depression had nothing to do with the pregnancy, rather it was a result of the other major life change I've been experiencing in cutting back on work and becoming a full-time mom. I thought, "once I feel better, I'll be doing more work, album design and such, so maybe that will make me feel better." Or I thought, "if I could just go on a vacation without kids for a few days, that might rejuvenate me." I found myself withdrawing from people in general, not wanting to talk or visit like I used to. I was royally annoyed by my children most of the time and I found myself yelling at them a lot, being snappy and not really caring if I hurt their feelings. I just wanted to be left alone. I talked to Dan about it a few times and I tried to force myself to get out of the house and go to the park or the pool with friends, but it did nothing to improve my mood. After the morning (hah! I mean all day and night) sickness subsided at about 12 weeks, I still found myself barely able to tolerate the idea of doing the dishes or washing a load of clothes or picking up toys and other clutter, again. I still didn't want to be around anyone and I couldn't find anything that brought me any joy.

When I realized that I was detached from and apathetic towards my children, I realized that I really needed to do something. I kept having visions of Ashley Judd in Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and I knew I could never, ever let myself get like that. I'd been thinking about having my doctor up my dosage on the Prozac for about a month, but I kept procrastinating, thinking that something would change very soon that would pull me out of the depression and I didn't want to take more medicine than was necessary. But nothing changed, and I was starting to be a nasty mom, so I decided to have my doc increase my dosage to 40mg. Part of me still wanted to wait because I knew that we had a vacation coming up and that I had a bunch of album design to do after the vacation, and perhaps those factors could improve my mental state. But a couple nights before my OB appt, I stood in the kitchen listening to one of my favorite CD's of inspirational music, The Sum of All Grace by my friend Mindy Gledhill, and I just bawled my eyes out because my soul was hurting. I was tired of feeling miserable everyday. I decided right then that if I could fix the way I was feeling, it didn't really matter if it was the meds, or the vacation, or getting back to work a little. I just wanted to feel better.

I've been taking the higher dosage for a week now and I am feeling so much better. Praise the Lord! The biggest manifestation of the improvement is that I am more patient with the girls and I'm more willing to do things with them. I'm able to take a breath and evaluate my response a little when I'm about to fly off the handle. And I am finally feeling some kind of emotional attachment to this baby growing inside of me. Holding my sister's newborn Emma probably didn't hurt either!

I will be posting pics from the vacation and other recent stuff in the next couple of days. My blog has definitely suffered in the last 2 months, so let us shout out a big "Amen" and Hallelujah" for the miracles of modern medicine.

P.S. Check out Mindy's other album Feather in the Wind on her website. It's not religious like the other CD, but it's full of inspirational stuff, about finding yourself and being satisfied with who you are.

Chocolate Joy

Since I haven't been shooting very much lately I've been a real slacker about getting my personal photos downloaded and burned. But I have a wedding tomorrow so I have to get all my memory cards emptied out and backed up.

I came across this photo of Amelia taken in April.

She may be an even bigger treat hound than Lily is. Dan keeps telling me I'm going to turn Lily and Amelia into a couple of diabetics. But really, who can resist Mike & Ike's, Charleston Chews, Bottle Caps, Symphony Chocolate Bars, and Rainbow Sherbet in the summer?

What's your favorite candy?

Just a couple more weeks

I've been avoiding blogging because I'm just a big Whine-Bag right now. I wanted to avoid complaining about being pregnant because there are several of you that I love who would gladly trade places with me in a heartbeat. So I'll just say that I have been feeling lousy, not just the nausea, but this time it seems to have permeated my psyche also. I just feel low and I can't seem to complete the easiest of tasks. The house is a wreck, I can't stand cooking, and even laying in bed all day is unsatisfying.

Oh, sorry, I wasn't going to complain. I go in for my first OB appointment tomorrow, so hopefully that will cheer me up. I think it will be too early to hear the heartbeat, but at least it will seem more official and confirmed once the doctor says, "Yep, Dan definitely slipped one past the goalie." And hopefully the nausea and accompanying "blahs" will be over in just a couple of weeks.

If anyone feels like coming over and helping me clean my house, I'd be glad for the company.

Back so soon?

That's the first thing they asked me when I showed up at the Bloated Pregnant Ladies Anonymous meeting.

Yep, I'm 9 weeks pregnant. Surprise! When we told Lily last week she was so excited and asked a few questions. Then she looked at Amelia and very skeptically said, "'Melia's still really young." Tell me about it!

Turns out the mini-pill is not so effective once you start weaning. I knew I should have kept breast-feeding Amelia til she was 3 (kidding, Sara, kidding...By the way, I'm totally waiting for my bronze boob trophy!) After Amelia was born, my doctor told me, "when you wean her, give us a call and we'll call in a prescription for regular birth control pills for you." Silly me, I assumed (never assume; it only makes an ASS of U and ME) that meant once she was completely weaned, not once I started weaning her. Ladies, learn from my ignorance.

After a couple of days of freaking out, we've gotten used to the idea and we have a game plan in place. It's not that we didn't want another kid, it's just the timing was sooner than we'd planned. I realize that a lot of people plan their kids this close together (2 years and 4 months) on purpose, but for parents that are used to having a mostly independent 4 year old to accompany a newborn, it's going to be challenging. And Amelia's still so small, it's hard to imagine her not being my baby anymore.

I think the single most scary thing for Dan and I is having a terrible-two and an infant at the same time. I'll be trying to nurse the baby and Amelia will be screaming and throwing her pink sippy cup of milk across the room because she wants the blue sippy cup with water and she'll be super pissed because Mama won't get up and get it for her right now. Sounds super fun! I guess I'll just have be become proficient at mobile nursing and doing other things one-handed.

Other concerns include the fact that our health insurance only covers maternity in the event of complications or a sick baby. So if everything goes smoothly, we have to pay 100% of the bill. In Utah, the only way you can get maternity coverage is on a group plan through your employer. Since we're both self-employed, we had to settle for an individual plan. It seems like it should be illegal to exclude maternity, but I guess there's so much breeding going on in this state that the insurance companies would lose their shirts if they offered individual plans with maternity coverage! Fortunately, both the hospital and the physician offer a 30% discount if you're footing the bill yourself. And we have an AFLAC supplemental policy that will pay out some cash for the birth. We've pushed the pause button on our debt snowball and we're starting a Baby Fund where we'll put all of our extra money until we have enough to cover the birth. We also have to save for a different car. Our two Honda Accords just aren't wide enough to accommodate 3 car seats (by state law Lily has to be in a booster seat until she's 8).

This baby is definitely wanted, it's just different from the other two where we had it all planned out. Dan's biggest disappointment? "Man, what a rip-off! The best part about trying to get pregnant is all the sex and now I won't even get that!" I'm in the yucky morning sickness stage right now, and although I am fortunate enough to never throw up, I feel nauseated all day and want to just lay in bed. It should pass in about 2 or 3 weeks and by then I'll probably start feeling a lot more excited.

My first doctor's appointment is next week. It will probably be too early to hear the heartbeat, but I'll be sure to keep you posted on any updates. I've added a couple of widgets to the sidebar. I like the top one because the graphic is cool, but the bottom one is more informative. You can click on it and it will tell you how the baby is developing. Perfect for the Nana types!